Sometimes life hands you a situation (or several) that is absolute shit. Maybe a relationship fell apart, maybe your chronic illness is flaring up, “what’s their name” is being a problem again, or maybe you just a had a day where everything that could go wrong went spectacularly sideways.

When that happens and we start to question if we’ve been cursed, the first instinct is usually to fight it. We spend massive amounts of mental energy screaming inside our own heads:

“This shouldn’t be happening! It’s not fair! Why me?”

We get caught in a loop of resisting reality. We don’t acknowledge the issue and our feelings about it. We stay in denial of it all.

From a friend who’s been there many times:

Fighting reality doesn’t change it. It just keeps you trapped in it.

That is where Radical Acceptance comes in…

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What is Radical Acceptance?

The “It Is What It Is” Rule

The word radical means completely, all the way, from the roots. At Sapphic Self, we focus on looking at ourselves and our lives with absolute honesty. Radical acceptance is the ultimate act of honesty. It’s a tool you use when you are in too much pain to fix the problem immediately.

You cannot think, manifest, or scream your way out of a fact.

To be totally transparent, Mae really used to struggle with the name of this skill. The thought of “accepting” something awful felt like condoning or agreeing with it. If that’s where your head is at, reframe the language: it isn’t about approval; it’s about acknowledgment. It’s about dropping your fists and stopping the fight with reality.

Around our house, this usually sounds like a very loud, very unified “It is what it is.” In fact, there are two pop songs we absolutely love that capture this exact energy: “It Is What It Is” by Jenna Raine and “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield. When the stress levels peak and we are thoroughly annoyed at a situation we can’t change, you can find us absolutely belting them out in the car or the lounge. It’s the vocal version of hitting the reset button.

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The Science-ish Bit: Pain vs. Suffering

There is a beautiful, simple equation in psychology:

Suffering = Pain x Resistance.

Pain is a natural part of being a human in a messy world. It’s nature’s way of telling us something is wrong. But suffering is what happens when we refuse to accept that pain. When you spend hours ruminating over “what ifs” or getting bitter about a past choice, you are throwing fuel on the fire.

Think about a patch of stinging nettles. Just because a nettle stings you and it hurts like hell doesn’t mean it shouldn’t exist. They are vital homes for wildlife and butterflies. Once you accept the sharp reality of the sting instead of screaming at the plant for being sharp, you can actually harvest it. You can take that nettle—take that exact painful moment—and turn it into a spell, a bath blend, a tea, or a soup. The magic only happens after you acknowledge the reality of the sting.

When you accept a situation, your “Old Brain” (the survival part that treats a bad day like a war zone) finally gets the message that the event has already happened. Acceptance acts like a biological release valve—deep calmness usually follows because your nervous system stops trying to fight a ghost.

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How to Practice Radical Acceptance (Step-by-Step)

This is a skill, which means it feels clunky and a bit fake when you first try it. Practice it on the small things first—like the weather. If it starts pouring down, you can rage at the sky and let a rainy cloud ruin your entire mood, or you can look out the window, say “Yup, it’s raining,” and adjust your plans.

When the bigger, heavier shit hits, try walking through these steps:

1. Catch the Resistance: Notice when you are fighting reality. Look out for phrases like “They shouldn’t have said that,” or “I can’t believe this is happening to me.” That’s your cue.
2. Check the Facts (Robot Mode): Strip away the drama and get into logical, robot brain. State what happened as neutrally as possible, like a boring police report. Not “My life is ruined and everyone hates me,” but “I didn’t get the outcome I hoped for, and I feel sad.”
3. Acknowledge the Cause: Remind yourself that everything has a chain of causes. This moment didn’t pop out of nowhere; it’s the result of a thousand variables from the past. It is what it is because of what led up to it.
4. Accept with your Body: Tension likes to hide in our shoulders, jaws, and hands. Take a deep breath, consciously untense those spots, and drop your shoulders. If you feel up to it, try turning your palms open on your lap or giving a little physical shrug. It feels silly, but changing your body language physically opens your posture and tricks your nervous system into realizing you aren’t actively under attack.
5. Allow the Feelings—Then Decide: Let the disappointment or grief wash over you. It isn’t easy to just sit there and let it hurt, and it feels uncomfortable as hell. But here is the real talk: there comes a point where you just have to move on. Nobody else is going to step in and fix this for you. No one but you can change your situation or help you take that next step. Let it hurt, and then decide what you are going to do about it.

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Grounding Scripts: What to Say to Yourself

When you’re stuck in a “shituation,” your brain needs a quick circuit breaker to stop the resistance. Here are a few coping statements you can use to tell yourself when reality is too loud:

• “This is difficult, and it is temporary.”
• “I can’t change what has already happened, but I can control how I respond right now.”
• “I have dealt with problems before, and I can deal with this.”
• “It’s okay to feel completely pissed off/sad/anxious, and I can still handle this effectively.”
• “This feeling sucks, and it will pass.“

Back when Mae was nursing, their mentor taught them a brilliant little mental trick for when a shift went completely off the rails and there was nothing to be done but push through it. She would look at the chaos, sigh, and say, “Well, this is a total Shih Tzu.” When a ward goes completely sideways and you’re short-staffed, screaming at the sky doesn’t bring in extra nurses or make the patients less sick. All you can do is acknowledge it, drop your shoulders, and get on with the job. It’s the perfect, playful way to disguise a bit of much-needed swearing while instantly acknowledging the reality of the situation.

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The Witchy Angle: Turning the Mind

In the craft, we talk about the “fork in the road.” Every time a wave of bitterness hits you, you are standing at a crossroads. One path leads to rejection and continued suffering; the other path leads to acceptance.

Radical acceptance requires you to turn your mind toward the path of acceptance over and over again. If you have a highly visual imagination, picture yourself physically turning away from the path of bitterness. If you’re more like Mae and need physical movement to snap your brain into gear, try an opposite action—if your brain wants to curl up and hide in the dark, force yourself to open the curtains or stretch your arms out wide. Mantras and music are our go to mood boosters to deal with bad days.

When you’re trying to turn your mind and your body is still screaming in resistance, applying a soothing balm to your pulse points or chest can be particularly helpful to anchor you. Personally, I (Tia) love using Nova Balm for this exact moment. The scent alone immediately snaps me out of an emotional spiral, and the specific intentions of rebirth and soft transitions woven into it make it the perfect grounding anchor when reality is feeling too loud. It serves as a reminder to your body: “There is a storm, and I can cope because I am grounded.”

It makes you feel way more empowered because you aren’t trying to fight the storm anymore; you’re just acknowledging that you have the tools to stand right in the middle of it.

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In the End

Life has pain, and bad things happen. It’s what makes the good bits feel so much better and living feel real. But that doesn’t mean you have to sit and suffer.

Here is a final, vital hard truth: no one else is responsible for how you act, which also means you are not responsible for managing anyone else’s behaviour. Your only job is dealing with your own feelings and how you react. Let karma handle the rest. Acting like a dick generally means people will treat you like one, and their actions will come back to bite them eventually.

Protect your peace, accept the emotions as they come, and tap into that wise mind. You’ve got this.